Challenging My Perspective of Life and Self, L.S.

“I become a transparent eyeball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me; I am part of parcel of God” -Ralph Waldo Emerson


Mindfulness meditation; purposefully placing one’s awareness on the reality of presence and constant unfolding of experience, moment to moment. Now place that awareness on “you”. What you think you are, who you think you are, the physical reality of “you”. Look at the walls, ceiling, and floor around you, smell the dinner cooking, hear your dog barking, feel your feet on the ground. You are that, the raw phenomena of these senses, quite literally.

While practicing meditation, I began using mindfulness and open-minded observation to try to discover what “I” actually am. What physical proof (senses) do I have of “I”. While exploring this idea,  I delved my awareness deeper into the nature of consciousness, and what I discovered shattered my absolute understanding of reality, existence, perception, and knowledge. The present reality, exactly how it is within my awareness was all that was left and all sense of self within me vanished 100%. My mental, emotional, and psychological states had fully transformed with no warning at all.  It left me to challenge everything I’ve even known about myself.

This transformation took place when I was in the midst of a deep meditative session, which I have been recently practicing as much as possible. I was using this mindfulness-meditation technique to zone my mind in on the present moment. I let thoughts pass through my awareness without reaction to it; analysing and experiencing each thought as its own physical, existential reality, as they are in my awareness. I was able to reject getting caught up in the content of the thoughts, which I had previously done 99.9% of the time, without even knowing it. This was a huge realization for me, and it sent me into a state of deep awareness and presence; my mind was wandering into places it had never been before.

Over the course of what I believed to be a couple of minutes, I had some sort of profound breakthrough in my meditation. My mental perception seemed to shift 180 degrees, in all directions, and I was able to embody all my senses working together simultaneously. A sensation of order was coming to the chaos of my mind; it felt like I was becoming the present moment 100%.  It’s hard to put into words, but each and every synchronistic experience that has happened throughout my life, seemed to pour out of my sub-conscious memory, and line up in front of my perception for me to observe.  I simultaneously understood how all experience and thought intertwine with the sensations and emotions throughout my body, and appear to converge at a single point, right now, each and every moment. I discovered that this point is where the seed of my awareness stems. This essentially gave me the mental traction, if you will, to regard everything that wasn’t in my direct experience, right now, as not a part of reality altogether.

This was really hard for me to consciously grasp because of the widely unfamiliar nature of my thoughts; I had never experienced such a focused mindset before. What I’m literally saying here is that everything that was not in my direct experience, and I mean everything, didn’t exist to me. Thoughts were just passing by in my awareness, disconnected from my sense of self, floating away almost.  I was just experiencing pure observation and experience itself, and of total presence with my senses, and that’s it. Each insight seemed to just come to me without having to use thought to manifest an answer. It was undoubtedly the most profound mental shift in my perception I have ever experienced, or even thought that I ever could experience. This one singular happening, that was so simple yet so complex, has completely changed what I believe about myself and who “I” truly am; what my perception of “me” actually is.

Each and every day since then I have tried to better comprehend and remember this experience as a whole, and it has inspired me to continue in my quest of self understanding, actualization, and mastery of my own existence as a whole. I have been pushing myself to recreate this experience and become advanced at using meditation to further study the nature of my own perception and consciousness. I’ve been noticing more and more super profound, synchronistic happening and feelings wash over me that remind me that I am on this journey to become the truth of self, and I can feel it getting closer with each day’s end.  I will not stop until I find it.


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